Tan-In-A-Can Faux Pas

While the ultimate intent of my workout focus is to be in top physical shape for my career demands, there is the added bonus of surprising Ryan–who last saw me in a transition phase. So, part of my makeover is acheiving a healthy glow in the form of a tan. In an effort to reduce my chances of skin cancer (and wasted hours laying in a hot coffin), I decided I would go with the ever-popular faux-glow. So, I went to my favorite cosmetics store, Sephora, and perused the vast array of self-tanners… And, here’s where I went wrong: after a recommendation from a salesperson, I went with the product endorsed by Lindsey Lohan. I do faintly remember hearing the warning bells going off in my head…

Sunday night, I read, and reread the instructions, then showered and exfoliated in preparation. “Spray in a well-ventilated area.” Well, the ventilator fan was running, and I figured I’d probably better stand in the shower to minimize stray spray. “Hold can 12 inches away from body, start spraying away from body and spray a light, continuous mist, avoiding over saturation.” HA! Easier said than done. There is a reason why celebs pay good money to have someone airbrush a tan onto their bodies–you cannot ‘evenly’ spray yourself. It’s like trying to spray paint yourself with no room for error. I got out of the shower hoping my image in the mirror would look better than what I thought I saw. No such luck. I’m 5’2″. All that was missing was green hair…hello Oompa Loompa!! And, it was too late to get back in the shower. I needed to get to bed.

I woke up this morning hoping that somehow the dirty orange blotchy stain had faded into a beautiful bronze glow. No such luck. I contemplated wearing shorts to the gym anyway, but alas, I am too vain. Thankfully I had a single pair of gym-worthy pants left in the closet.

After an hour-long intense weightlifting and running workout, I dragged my exhausted, sweaty body into the locker room for a shower. The instructions on the tan-in-a-can had warned me not to sweat or swim for five hours, but well over 8 hours had passed before I started to sweat. Even still, I pulled my t-shirt off to see half my tan had bled off into it. And, where my phone had been strapped to my arm, there was a lighter band where the tan had seeped into the armband. Now, in addition to the dirty, orange look, I also had lighter racoon stripes and splotches all over my body. Great. It just keeps getting better!

So, here I am, thankfully covered from neck to toe in ACUs, contemplating an angry letter to the distributors of SevinNyne. I guess I’ll settle for returning the spray to Sephora and checking out airbrush tan prices.

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