Mommyhood 101

As I sit here in as few clothes as possible, sweltering despite drinking iced water, I realize I have learned a lot these past several days. For example, I learned today that when returning to a house after being gone a couple of weeks, it might be a good idea to time your arrival so that it’s still during business hours. Otherwise, you could return home to find your air conditioning on the fritz, and maintenance has already left for the day.

I learned that you should probably not hold your child’s face over yours when doing the “airplane” right after his lunch. That is, unless you like getting spit up in your hair and eyes.

I also learned that car manufacturers should make leather seats standard for any vehicles that will transport children. I’m almost positive that baby poop will wipe clean off leather. It does not wipe clean off cloth seats. How, you ask, did I learn such a valuable lesson? Why, let me enlighten you, dear reader! My sister-in-law and I  took our children (ages 21 mos and 6 mos, respectively) with us shopping the other day. We ate lunch at Chili’s. Carson did great–finished a jar of baby food while we were waiting on our meals so he was able to sit and entertain himself while I ate. My niece was not inclined to eat at a very expedient pace, and I knew Carson could use a diaper change by this time, so I paid for my meal and took Carson to the car while Mindy tried to coax Shayla into eating her mac n cheese. I’m not sure at what point I stopped using the changing pad when changing Carson in the car, but I’ll think twice next time. The wet diaper I had anticipated was also completely full of mushy poop. Mushy poop that filled up the diaper so much, that when I laid him down, it squished right out the top. Right out the top of the diaper and onto my passenger side seat. A bucket of sweat, some tears, and twenty wipes later, Carson had a clean behind in a fresh diaper, dressed, and buckled in the car seat. Meanwhile, my seat now has the faintest greenish tinge. Mindy sat on the changing pad for the rest of the day.

I learned that you should take twice as many wipes as you think you could use in an entire day. Better yet, buy several spare packs and distribute them among several vehicles you might travel in. You never know when your child will inexplicably vomit and have two consecutive bouts of diarrhea while you’re out to eat after an all-day shopping trip. In a pinch, however, the wet wipes restaurants have on hand for cleaning up after eating ribs will do. Just make sure you open about ten packets up before removing the diaper. Oh, and always stand off to the side when changing a baby. Never be in a direct path from the poop chute. You never know when said diarrhea will suddenly be forcefully ejected.

And finally, I learned that when your son starts soaking through multiple diapers during the night, it might be because he’s ready to move up a size in diapers. If you can figure this out before going through three sets of pajamas and sheets during the course of one night, you’re ahead of the learning curve. No, the weight guidelines on the outside of the diaper packages are not always accurate.

I hope you find these lessons valuable. I certainly have become wiser in these past couple of weeks.


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