I was trying not to gross anyone out with the tales of my pregnancy, but since Dad decided sharing my bathroom woes with Uncle Gorman was typical phone conversation material, I guess we’ll go all out!
So, I’ve been super lucky with this pregnancy as I see it. I’ve had minimal nausea, really only occasional queasiness, and certainly no vomiting. I thank God every day for that. Vomiting tops my list of things I hate to do (right up there with touching dirty feet). Also, the feeling of total exhaustion has let up quite a bit, so really, up until about 3 days ago, other than the supremely tender boobies (don’t even think about hugging me, I might cry), I really had no major signs I was pregnant (haha, other than the obvious lack of a monthly visitor). However. That. Has. Changed. I had read in What to Expect that constipation occurred pretty frequently in pregnant women (over half), but seeing how I’ve always been a very regular gal, I wasn’t worried. Oh, how wrong I was… You know, you don’t really notice it too much when you miss a couple of bowel movements, but let me tell you, when you’re expecting that third one and it doesn’t happen? I woke up the other morning and thought somehow my uterus was already pressing on my sciatic nerve. Turns out it was my angry colon. Now, for those of you who are familiar with the lists of “don’ts” in pregnancy, you know laxatives are out of the question, and most stool softeners are questionable. That makes getting the ol’ bowels back on the expressway a little tricky. Prunes, though, are perfectly safe. I’ve eaten enough to drop a quadruple deuce. Nothing. Coffee almost always works, and they say less than 300mg of caffeine a day should be perfectly fine for a pregnant gal, so I’ve been having the occasional half cup. I drank a latte to no avail. At this point, I’m starting to feel a little panicky. I called my friend who’s a nurse in Texas, and asked her for some help. She suggested Colace, which isn’t absorbed into the bloodstream and should be perfectly safe for a non-risk pregnant chick. Oh ho, here we go, I thought. Finally, I’ll be able to go! By this time, I looked 5 months pregnant, but let me assure you, none of it was baby. In the meantime, I added a little Benefiber to my OJ (hey, extra fiber couldn’t hurt, right?). The next morning on my way to work, I stopped in Walgreens and spent 20 minutes in the laxative/fiber aisle studying labels on 8 different types of non-stimulant laxatives and stool softeners. (Luckily at that hour in the morning, there aren’t many shoppers in a 24-hour Walgreens.) I ended up purchasing the Colace and a bottle of water. I made it to the parking lot before I ripped the package open and took two. The label suggested up to six per day, but I wanted to be on the safe side. And then, I waited. And while I waited, I continued to drink water. So, you can only imagine how much work I got done yesterday… Finally, around 0930, I felt a familiar urge. YES! I thought, here we go! I’ll leave out the details, but I’ll say this: it was not what I was hoping for. Let’s put it this way. I’ve seen goat turds bigger than what I got out. But, at least it was movement, and though my bowels used to be a 3 lane supercharged expressway, I think I can be happy with the 1 lane dirt road…as long as we keep moving.